​The term “a 180-degree change” means that you have turned away from the direction you were headed in and made an intentional about-face. Think of addiction recovery as completing two 90-degree turns. The first 90-degree turn is a change made to your personal habits (like thinking or planning), and the next 90-degree turn is making the necessary adjustments to your social habits (like not drinking with your old friends). If the tension from these two transitional steps are not managed properly, it may trigger a full 360-degree turn because the strength of the uncomfortable feelings from either the psychological or the social stress (or both) may be enough to push you back into your old comfort zone and begin a new round of addictive behavior (Appendix 1N).

 

After you leave the recovery environment (first 90-degree turn), you need to learn to live with self-imposed boundaries in a social setting with others that will reinforce your behavior. Your perseverance is encouraged by 

finding the right people that will pull you up to using your values to guide your decision-making in society (second 90-degree turn) so that you are not swayed by cultural fads and secular thinking. Implementing your new, healthy, standard operating procedures in public solidifies your skills so you can complete the 180-degree change. When you are aware of social triggers that may push you backwards - like frustration or loneliness, you will be better able to fight against them. A mentor can help you to see potential set backs as well as guide you into gaining a new perspective that acknowledges this two phase recovery. 

 

For example, upon exiting a recovery setting, job selection task is one of the first priorities in the second 90 degree turn phase. Jobs are a built-in social setting that unifies many diverse people around the setting of the employment. Are you choosing a job that will push you back into old social habits? To stay grounded to your personal commitment to change your life, select a job where you can avoid people who partake in some of the habits that you have decided to give up. If your job skills do not match a social environment that will support your psycho-social recovery goals, try to switch to work an afternoon or evening shift so you can still secure gainful employment but, at the same time, you'll be able to avoid social invitations that may rouse a relapse. (If this is the case, stay vigilant and look for new and healthy social connections, see tips in https://www.createyournewnormal.org/practicing-righteous-living-in-a-su). Your social environment, even one as familiar and seemingly harmless as your home, is a common blind spot, as it may be a trigger to relapse that you were not fully aware of or one that you are trying to deny.​

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Selection of a Personal Mentor

Be intentional and look for a mentor and a social group that shares your personal values that will encourage and pull you up and away from an old comfort zone. One of the things that your psychological recovery focused on was strengthening your personal identity to the point you’d be strong enough to navigate through the public crosswinds, so you can reach your long-term goals without getting blown off course. (Your personal identity, when united with God’s Holy Spirit, keeps friendly peer pressure from steering you off the path that leads to your new normal lifestyle.) By understanding yourself and identifying your defense mechanisms (pride, denial, rationalization) and your temptations (money, pleasure, attention), you'll have a clearer picture of discerning who and when to trust another's advice as well as learning how to avoid the pressure of social conformity to the wrong crowd.

 

In selecting a mentor, remember the criteria for your success is choosing someone who became successful while keeping his/her character integrity to God. Avoid choosing a “self-made man” as your mentor. Don't look for someone based on his/her socio-economic success and personality alone, but intentionally looking for someone who will be able to openly discuss the specific learnings that contributed to their success holistically, in Spirit, soul, and body. A Godly Mentor models’ Christian psycho-social Christian cognitive consistency. Psalm 119:16 says this about focusing your learning around God’s truth: “Teach me good judgment and knowledge, for I believe in your commandments.” Finding a mentor who incorporates the Word of God into all aspects of their life, will encourage you to overcome the triggers that push you back into your past comfort zones. If no one comes to mind, inquire at your local church. Your church is where your new normal social environment kicks off. Assert yourself, meet others and ask for what you need to succeed. When you ask, you’ll be pleasantly surprised by the eagerness in which your church family will respond to the opportunity to help you.

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Awareness, acceptance, and steadfast commitment to your new normal in Christ are the bedrocks of reaching your vision. Passion will energize you so you can overcome feelings of distress and focus on how your new identity will defeat all the hurdles you will face (Appendix 1Q). You need to be open and adaptable to trying new ways to reach your goals so you can learn to be discerning and collaborative instead of sticking to your desire to be in control and live independently (Appendix 2N). This means you need to trust, believe, do what is suggested. Face this thought upfront, before you start a relationship with a mentor. Then, you can make an objective decision to trust your mentor immediately but also be committed to evaluating the consequences from implementing their advice. Your obedience to their advice* is the fairest way to evaluate the results. This is why the selection process is so important.

​*You'll find that sometimes your acceptance of someone else's advice is purely subjective. It is often rejected because you may have been offended by the communication of the message. Instead of being offended by focusing on the words used to describe the message and the resulting feelings this might generate, widen your perspective. Obey or implement the advice given based on the merit of the idea, not the delivery method or your opinion of their advice. After-all, you chose your mentor because you liked their results and have committed to test/try their lead leading. Nothing less than your full obedience is required to determine the merit of their direction. It’s similar to your faith in the Godhead. You decide to believe (John 1:12-14) and then you enter into a relationship with Jesus. You learn about His victories and become willing to test out His advice, guided by the Holy Spirit. God's Word promises to not only be with you through fiery trials but also that He will shape your life experiences into something that is good for you and brings Him glory (1 Peter 4:12-13, Romans 8:28, Hebrews 13:5). God doesn't judge based on personality, but the willingness of your heart to trust Him by implementing what He says (Proverbs 30:5, 3:5-6, 1 John 4:13, 2:28, 3:24, 2 Peter 1:4, 2 Corinthians 1:20, Hebrews 6:11-12.) 

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When you decide to use mentorship to complete your recovery, be aware of the psychological cost. You are agreeing to trade your logic for someone else’s and put their advice ahead of your own. It’s a trade you make willingly, but this also may pull you out of your comfort zone. Trading your independence - your self-regulating desires, for submission to your chosen higher authority takes place in two phases.

1. First, you must agree in your Attitude.

2. Then you must be willing to try out the recommended Behavior and persevere through the learning curve and trials of the process so you can realize the anticipated results (C).

These are decisions that needs to be committed to, by you, up front. Consciously choose ahead of time to sacrifice your own desires to voluntarily follow your mentor’s advice. (Thus the importance of selecting a mentor with similar values.) Please note: that that while obedience should be an immediate response, this web site infers that a response differs from a reaction. Yes, obedience to a worthy mentor is expected, but not all mentors are worthy of the respect the position holds. (They are not God.) Do not blindly follow all advice. Compare it to the Word of God. Test and evaluate it, singularly, and ask questions to gain your mentors perspective (1 Thessalonians 5:21). Do not let personality styles or conflict resolution skill set differences stop you from learning from others (Proverbs 23:12).

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For example, trust is a learned relationship skill that is foundational to finding a healthy psycho-social balance. Trust isn’t possible without the accompanying trait of humility. Galatians 5:22-23 and Hebrews 12:1-3 say that, as a humbled Christian, we have the power through the Holy Spirit to discipline our mind and body to be able to move from self-pleasing to God-pleasing behavior. Humility isn’t possible without the free-will decision to use self-control to curb your own desires, instincts, and perspective. When you demonstrate your willingness to use self-restraint to achieve a higher priority goal, you learn the life skill of exchanging instant gratification for long-term goal satisfaction (Sosik, J. J., Chun, J. U., Ete, Z., Arenas, F. J., & Scherer, J. A. (2019)). 

 

Note: "Do not judge" is an interpersonal Biblical phrase used to remind the reader not to think too highly of yourselves because, in so doing, you may be expressing "a holier than thou attitude" that stinks of self-righteousness and arrogance which immediately changes the atmosphere and blocks your own progress (Matthew 7:1-6, Philippians 2:3). Therefore, when selecting friends and mentor(s), you need to examine their results; do a mini cost/benefit analysis from a biblical definition of success and then you won't be guilty of judging your neighbor because you are examining the fruit produced, rather than your own faulty assumptions that causes blurred vision. Use Biblical discernment. 

• Read more: Christian judgement @ Biblegateway and https://www.gotquestions.org/Bible-discernment.html .

 

Seek out a Christian mentor, not just an accountability partner, so you can increase your awareness and apply your renewed mind to social situations that reflect Christian cognitive consistency and h/she can reinforce your new habits (Romans 12:1-2, 15:5, Acts 2:42, Galatians 6:1-5, 1 Thessalonians 5:11, Proverbs 27:17). Asking for help from a mentor not only aids in your willingness and motivation to “work out” your own physical "transformation", but will help you develop spiritual discernment, a skill that helps you see/identify others who have your best interest at heart (Philippians 1:6, 2:12). A mentor is invaluable help in alerting you to when you are in the midst of the “push – pull” reality of change and is someone who can spot your tendency to self-protect.

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Qualities to Look for in a Mentor Relationship

A Christian mentor will steer you away from harmful dependencies and redirect you towards Christ dependency. He or she will model a close, single-minded, personal relationship with you as well as share their social network  with you. When selecting a mentor, look for a same-sex person who:​

• is grateful, patient and humble with a progressive track record of success. This doesn’t mean that the person has had an uninterrupted lifestyle of success. A mentor knows the value of experiential learning. A mentor with successes as well as failures can dip into their past just long enough to expose cause and effect patterns. 

• displays Christian character integrity consistently and publicly.

• is described as humble and meek by onlookers, not just themselves.

• can visualize goals, as well as strategies to overcome setbacks.

• avoids the temptation to dominate conversations by bragging about the level success they have attained. (Mentors listen more than talk and are gentle, not intimidating.) ​

• offers suggestions but knows that it is you who is the final decision maker. ​Mentors do not carry an authoritative mindset.

• provides continuous advice before, during, and after you make a decision. A mentor is quick to give “just in time advice” and will help you recognize whether or not a decision is working as planned. (A mentor encourages you to fight the trap of trying to make a faulty decision work but, instead, encourages you to correct and/or learn from you mistakes and continue towards the goal.)

 

The right mentor guides you into decisions that are consistent with what you say it is that you value, despite social pressure and/or trends. When a mentor makes suggestions that seem strange to you, instead of discounting it, seek to and search for understanding. Some of your old thinking habits may still linger in the background of your recovery and block out sound reasoning. Fight the urge to disregard advice when you don’t like what you hear. Sometimes rules, standards of conduct, or any directive given from another person can trigger a rebellious attitude in you. Entertain advice that helps you stay within the boundaries of what is deemed as standard acceptable behavior, even when doing it is not your first choice.

• Reread Appendix 1D and Appendix 1E.

• Read more about how a Christian mentor helps you develop character integrity (Appendix 1S).

 

Your contribution to this relationship is to be open and honest. A mentor passes along to you those stories of their unique experiences that taught them to recognize the push of instant gratification and the pull of delayed gratification. Be aware of a voice in your head saying “I want what I want, when I want it!" because this is an indicator that you are being pushed backwards. By experience, a mentor shares how perspective and visioning can help you identify and hear God’s voice (1 Thessalonians 5:16-22, Hebrews 11:1, 6:19, Galatians 6:9). S/He will show you how to adjust your focus away from those negative circumstances that creep into life by lifting your eyes to God and using your faith. Learn from your mentor how to actively wait  by doing the next right thing you know to do while you are looking for your Godly vision of your new reality to take form (2 Peter 1:4-8, Galatians 5:24, Hebrews 6:14-15, Appendix 1H).

• Read about Elisha the prophets experience in 2 Kings 6:13-17.

• Watch a 10-minute on Christian vision @ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lam2wnTSKN4.

• Watch 86 second video explaining incremental change in the life of a Christian by David Wilkerson @ https://www.worldchallenge.org/incremental-change.

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Choose Wisely!

A mature mentor is grateful for their past successes and failures. S/he has learned to balance the desire for self-righteousness, fame and fortune with the importance of character integrity, humility and gratitude to God (1 Timothy 1:5). Another distinguishing characteristic of a mentor is her/his ability to be receptive, not defensive, with the ability to learn from mistakes. A mature mentor should want to discuss the details of problem-solving and value-based decision making so that you can learn the effect that Christian wisdom has in discerning how to achieve a successful, balanced, content life (Ecclesiastes 1:8, 6:6, Luke 3:14, Philippians 4:11, 1 Timothy 6:6). 

 

A mentor who is double-minded will try to help you while at the same time is seeking to fill their own interests. If you sense your mentor is double-minded, do not pursue the relationship - no matter how rich or successful s/he appears to be. Excessive pride inflates Attitude and reveals itself in character flaws that are seen by others in the actions of manipulative Behavior, among other traits that are contrary to lovingkindness. Sooner or later a hypocrite gets caught  - as was the case in the Bible when Jesus called out the religious hypocrites (the double-minded religious leaders) recorded in Matthew 23:27-28, 15:7-9, Luke 20:46-47)

• Scroll through the other bible verses that discuss hypocrisy @ https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/bible-verses-about-hypocrisy/ ).

•  Read more about “The Nature of Mentor/ Mentee Relationship” below, at the end of this page. 

 

Trust God

Like with every decision, turn to God in prayer before you embark on the project of securing a mentor. Don’t ask God to bless your selection. Instead, get God involved from the start, when the idea first presents itself as a step you want to take on the road to sustaining your recovery. Ask God to lead you to the right person for you - and then be willing to try out the advice given. This, in and of itself, is your first training ground on learning how not to blow off advice that you may not agree with, yet. Don’t forget that when you are about to try a new skill or strategy, you need to resist the urge to remain stuck in the comfort of old psycho-social habits, and, instead, be motivated to rise to the challenge of doing things differently so you get different results  (1 Peter 5:8-9, Philippians 3:14, Hebrews 12:1-3).

 

Your role as a mentee is to trust the advice from your mentor enough to test it out. Like Naaman, the Roman soldier in the Bible healed of leprosy, you need faith to motivate work (Hebrews 6:15). Naaman didn’t get healed until he completed implementing the instructions he was given. In his mind, he didn’t see the point of having to dip into the water seven times, but he was encouraged to continue (2 Kings 5:1-16). After the seventh dip, he came out of the water with his mission accomplished! His response of gratitude for this miracle changed his A,B,C's (2 Kings 5:16-19). Naaman left Israel and went back to his home and continued working for the king of Syria, but his perspective changed his behavior. He was no longer measuring his character integrity by the worldly king's standards but by the worship and character of the One True God. Faith without works is dead, but faith that believes is demonstrated by works. The work Christian's do is labeled, "believing", an action verb that shows trust in action (2 Corinthians 10:3-5, John 1:12, 6:29, 8:31, Hebrews 11:6, Jeremiah 17:7) so that God can deliver the results (Ephesians 3:20-21). 

• Read more about how Naaman's personal encounter with God impacted his future behavior @ https://www.gotquestions.org/Naaman-in-the-Bible.html. 

• Read Hebrews chapter 11 and to see others that acting out faith. 

 

While a mentor, coach, friend, schoolteacher and parent can give you encouragement and some good advice, only the Triune God is with you as you implement your decisions. Trust Him to give you the strength and courage to endure the journey through the implementation phase because, as you know from reading Romans 8:28, 2 Timothy 2:13, and Galatians 6:9, God doesn't quit, He overcomes (John 16:33, 1 John 5:4-5). Confidence in your faith comes from knowing that God is with you and His power work through you. Your ability to have God's Word/promises fulfilled in your life is based on your choices. Choose to get and accept guidance as you acclimate as a Christian back into mainstream society. By moving into a cognitively consistent social environment (2 Peter 4:2-5) you are heeding to the warning from the Apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 15:33; "Don’t be fooled ..., for “bad company corrupts good character.”

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"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."       Joshua 1:9, Exodus 33:14, Acts 1:8, 14:27-28, 1 Corinthians 3:16, 6:19, John 4:24, Romans 8:9, 1 John 5:6, 20-21.​