Negotiate Rather than Compete
When two people are not seeing eye to eye, friendly conversations can turn unpleasant in a blink of an eye. Tension builds when viewpoints clash and it's intensified by the emotions associated with thoughts. Both parties involved want to validate their viewpoint but the goal of negotiation is not to be right or to win, it's to find a point of mutual agreement and encourage continued dialogue. Emotions will arise in any discussion, but it's important to recognize them in yourself and others in order to respond appropriately.
Prevent an exhausting battle of the wills
that causes a cycle of conflict.
The way that conflict is handled is dependent on each person’s ability to temper their natural personality along with the goal for resolution. For example, instead of choosing to express raw, negative, emotions that may lead to conflict and/or disharmony, a Christian voluntarily decides to stifle their urge for self-defense in order to to maintain positive relations and unity as a way to show honor to God (Ephesians 4:1-3, Romans 15:1-2). Just as it is your decision to love God, it also your choice to restrain your freewill expressions to stay within the boundaries of the standards associated with this Holy and Loving God.
Set a goal for yourself to negotiate a peaceful resolution rather than to win the right to justify your feelings. Rationalizing your way through a conflict only serves to turn uncomfortable tension into anxiety for everyone involved. Some disagreements clearly need to be resolved by agreeing to disagree, but this doesn't have to be the case for every conflict you face. When involved in a disagreement, the goal is to listen, understand, empathize and speak the truth in love until the truth ((not your opinion) is either accepted or rejected. If truth is rejected, stop and respond thoughtfully and purposely, but don’t react on feelings. Before you respond, ask yourself:
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Am I offended?
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How aware am I of my own personality style and emotions?
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What assumptions am I making?
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Do I understand the other person’s point from the perspective in which they arrived at it?
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What is the tone of the conversation; is it coming from a defensive attitude; am I getting lost in the emotion?
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How might results have been different if I flexed my personality style? (Revisit Appendix 2I).
How you see things (perception) determines your judgment and resulting ABC’s. Emotions and opinions are driven by perception and expectations (Proverbs 10:12, Wang, Y. (2007)). To avoid a quarrel, sometimes you will need to relinquish your rights to defend yourself. When you are upset, remember to refocus your perspective from being right, maintaining control, or winning approval, to the goal of peacekeeping. Look at a disagreement differently than a non-believer. Don't let your feelings take the conflict and intensifies it. Be proactive. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself, but you choose to fight the urge to express them so you'll stay focused on problem resolution. Challenge yourself to negotiate your position in a way in which you can preserve the relationship without overriding your values (Proverbs 19:11, Ephesians 4:3). When you go into a situation where there is initial disagreement, shift your mindset and set a goal of peacekeeping, then you'll be filled with confidence rather than being filled with discontentment and anxiousness.
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Read more about reducing anxiety in the Subdue Your Soul article in the Still Anxious tab.
Below Quappe & Cantatore (2007) highlight the typical progression that occurs as you allow perception to shape your ability to negotiate:
Negotiating an “our way” solution when there is a disagreement does not mean that you compromise your character or the standards in question, but it does mean that you will need to think of creative ways to resolve the conflict amiably. (Decide ahead of time to never put a “stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother” (Romans 13:14, 14:13). This changes your forth coming attitude. When you go into an argument with the goal of peacekeeping, your demeanor softens and frees up your neurobiology and chemistry so you can shift your focus onto God (Isaiah 26:3, 55:9, Matthew 5:9).
When you value God’s opinion higher than yours or anyone else’s opinion, the security you feel will make a difference in the level of peace you experience, especially when your self-esteem is wounded in a conflict (Romans 8:38-39, 1 Peter 4:8). With a Christian perspective, you can be flexible with your approach to conflict by choosing a mindset of contentment- the attitude of belief that Jesus is more than enough and that He alone meets your needs (Philippians 4:11-13, 19). Contentment and peacekeeping sets your tone - this attitude positions you to engage in a cooperative discussion which sends your mind searching for problem-solving solutions rather than into a competitive mind set on winning a conflict.
Remember, your security is not built on someone else’s opinion or even on your own self-assessment. Your security is based on God’s opinion of you. Responding to conflict peacefully and with flexibility shows God to others and it reinforces to you the intentionality needed to apply the Christian approach (Mathew 5:16, Romans 13:14, Hebrews 12:14-15, 1 Peter 2:9). Christian conduct shows that you are no longer a slave to self and useless conflict, but to God and His peace and unity (Romans 6:22, Ephesians 4:3). Extending grace and peace in a negotiation or a conflict is one way to show your commitment to Christianity. If you choose not to negotiate, you’ll be frustrated and your faith will be questioned by others.
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See Appendix 2L for a closer look at how God’s love, as displayed through you, can create a bond of intimacy with God instead of independence.