Negotiate Rather than Compete
When two people are not seeing eye to eye, friendly conversations can turn unpleasant in a blink of an eye. Tension builds when viewpoints clash and it's intensified by the emotions associated with thoughts. Both parties involved want to validate their viewpoint but the goal of negotiating a conflict is not to be right or to win, it's to find a point of mutual agreement and encourage continued dialogue. Emotions will arise in any discussion, but it's important to recognize them in yourself and others in order to respond appropriately so you can steer the conversation back to its original aim.
Break into the cycle of conflict
Prevent an exhausting battle of the wills by recognizing the fuel that emotions add to a disagreement.
The way that conflict is handled is dependent on each person’s ability to flex their natural personality and ability to remain committed to achieving the original goal of the conversation. The problem with that solution is that is reliant on pure logic; not readily accessible when emotions arise and take center stage. To reset your goal to resolution is not automatic. It takes a decision and a strategy. Again relying on logic. With practice and studying the many different strategies of conflict resolution, you may be able to lengthen your fuse from 5 seconds to 30, but until another thought can edge its way into a crowded mind, resolution will be swallowed up by your threat response.
What do you do when your reactions spin you around so you can no longer reason, even with yourself?
Christians have the advantage when it comes to trying to deescalate a conflict. That's because of the hope that a Child of God has in the Holy Spirit. To trigger this powerhouse, all you need to do is make a decision to recognize but let go of negative emotions and consciously interject a new goal into your thinking that reflects peacekeeping. This shows God that you are willing to (voluntarily decide) to stifle your urge for self-defense in order to to maintain positive relations and unity with the goal of showing honor to God instead of choosing to express raw, negative, emotions that lead to conflict and/or disharmony (Ephesians 4:1-3, Romans 15:1-2). This is consistent with any decision you make where you choose to please God above yourself. For example, it is your decision to love God, but you'll show it by choosing to restrain your freewill expressions to stay within the boundaries of the standards associated with this Holy and Loving God.
Set a goal for yourself to negotiate a peaceful resolution rather than to win the right to justify your feelings.
Rationalizing your way through a conflict only serves to turn uncomfortable tension into anxiety for everyone involved. Some disagreements clearly need to be resolved by agreeing to disagree, but this doesn't have to be the case for every conflict you face. When involved in a disagreement, the goal is to listen, understand, empathize and speak the truth in love until the truth (not your opinion) is either accepted or rejected. If truth is rejected, stop and respond thoughtfully and purposely, but don’t react on feelings. Before you respond, ask yourself:
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Am I offended?
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How aware am I of my own personality style and emotions?
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What assumptions am I making?
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Do I understand the other person’s point from the perspective in which they arrived at it?
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What is the tone of the conversation; is it coming from a defensive attitude; am I getting lost in the emotion?
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How might results have been different if I flexed my personality style? (Revisit Appendix 2I).
Emotions and opinions are driven by perception and expectations (Proverbs 10:12, Wang, Y. (2007)). How you see things (perception) determines your judgment and resulting ABC’s. To avoid a quarrel, sometimes you will need to relinquish your rights to defend yourself. When you are upset, remember to refocus your perspective from being right, maintaining control, or winning approval, to the goal of peacekeeping (Matthew 5:9). Look at a disagreement differently than a non-believer. Don't let your feelings take the conflict and intensifies it. Be proactive. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself, but you choose to fight the urge to express them so you'll stay focused on problem resolution. Challenge yourself to negotiate your position in a way in which you can preserve the relationship without overriding your values (Proverbs 19:11, Ephesians 4:3). When you go into a situation where there is initial disagreement, shift your mindset and set a goal of peacekeeping, then you'll be filled with confidence rather than being filled with discontentment and anxiousness.
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Read more about reducing anxiety in the Subdue Your Soul article in the Still Anxious tab.
Below Quappe & Cantatore (2007) highlight the typical progression that occurs as you allow perception to shape your ability to negotiate:
Negotiating an “our way” solution when there is a disagreement does not mean that you compromise your character or the standards in question, but it does mean that you will need to think of creative ways to resolve the conflict amiably. (Decide ahead of time to never put a “stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother” (Romans 13:14, 14:13). This changes your forth coming attitude. When you go into an argument with the goal of peacekeeping, your demeanor softens and frees up your neurobiology and chemistry so you can shift your focus onto God (Isaiah 26:3, 55:9, Matthew 5:9).
When you value God’s opinion higher than yours or anyone else’s opinion, the security you feel will make a difference in the level of peace you experience, especially when your self-esteem is wounded in a conflict (Romans 8:38-39, 1 Peter 4:8). With a Christian perspective, you can be flexible with your approach to conflict by choosing a mindset of contentment - the attitude of belief that Jesus is more than enough and that He alone meets your needs (Philippians 4:11-13, 19). Here are 2 more pieces of advice recorded in Matthew 7:3, 18:15 that seem to diffuse an angry response:
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Remove Your Own Blind Spots First: Jesus taught to take the plank out of your own eye before addressing the speck in someone else's. Before speaking, humbly examine your own pride, unmet expectations, or contributing faults.
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Keep it Private: Approach the person directly and privately first. Avoid gossiping, complaining to others, or harboring ill-will.
A mindset of contentment and peacekeeping sets your tone - this attitude positions you to engage in a cooperative discussion which sends your mind searching for problem-solving solutions rather than into a competitive mind set which generates strategies for winning a conflict. The overall Christian goal is to walk reflecting Christ’s love, not trying to prove you are right or worthy! Author and pastor Tim Challies says this;
“Find ways to express the Christian virtues of kindness, love, and patience. Guard yourself against making rash and unfair judgments about another person’s motives or maturity. Do what you can to care more for the other person than for defending your own views. And if you realize that you have sinned against another person along the way, humbly seek their forgiveness”
Remember, your security is not built on someone else’s opinion or even on your own self-assessment. Your security is based on God’s opinion of you. Responding to conflict peacefully and with flexibility shows God to others and it reinforces to you the intentionality needed to apply the Christian approach (Mathew 5:16, Romans 13:14, Hebrews 12:14-15, 1 Peter 2:9). Christian conduct shows that you are no longer a slave to self and useless conflict, but to God and His peace and unity (Romans 6:22, Ephesians 4:3). Extending grace and peace in a negotiation or a conflict is one way to show your commitment to Christianity. If you choose not to negotiate, you’ll be frustrated and your faith will be questioned by others. Another way to show your Christianity, is to listen carefully to words being spoken and, if needed, you should feel comfortable in your Christianity to defend it. Peacekeeping is the goal of everty Christian, but another one is to "speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). Sometimes that means you'll have to speak your objections in defense of your beliefs (Ephesians 4:17-24).
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See Appendix 2L for a closer look at how God’s love, as displayed through you, can create a bond of intimacy with God instead of independence.