The tension you feel when merging your newly recovered self into the mainstream community can be intense. For one, you’ll be surrounded by people with diverse thinking and beliefs. The likelihood of tension created from interpersonal conflict is great because there may be goal incompatibility between your new personal identity and your old social reputation. Second, you’ll be interacting with a wide variety of people, some of whom knew you before your change, and you will have to work at establishing a new reputation. Your friends, and even family members, may look at the changes in you from their own point of view, which only lead them to think about how the change in you affects them. They may be hurt or even mad that you don’t want to join in with them on activities that you have shared in the past (1 Peter 4:3-5). This may cause uncharacteristic interpersonal conflict in those relationships that could leave you feeling frustrated, abandoned, and lonely (LaForge, R. (2004)).

 

Most people willingly change personal behavior to comply with mandatory standards set by an authority, such as in the case of a speed limit or another societal law. When it comes to making friends, the phrase “mandatory compliance” can be replaced with “voluntary versatility”. Used in context of interpersonal relationships, voluntary versatility means being flexible and resilient while not sacrificing your character and values (Hunt, J. (2008)). “Flexing your style” is a phrase used to describe a situation in which you are willing to temper your personality to make others feel more comfortable dealing with your type of personality while remaining true to your principles. 

• See Appendix 2C for a look at some common personality traits associated with the four main personality styles so you can be alert to the need to flex your style (move out of your comfort zone).​

 

Protect yourself and the progress you have made in your recovery thus far. Being alert and self-controlled prepares you for the reality of social disputes so you are not taken by surprise and ruled by emotions when such conflicts spring up (1 Peter 5:8, 2 Peter 1:6). It is your predetermined mindset that endures social strife

(1 Corinthians 16:13-14). Set specific social goals. Adjust your expectations and determine new social boundaries to protect and nurture the new you. Fight impulsivity and use intentional decision-making to achieve your new normal of cognitive consistency.

 

Prepare your mind to anticipate this tension and shape a strategy for Christian living in a secular world (John 18:36, Warner, W. J., (2017)). ​ For example, if you are a Christian in an environment with non-believers, and a conflict emerges, "put on love" to minimize interpersonal conflict. (Colossians 3:13-15, 1 Corinthians 1:10). Shift your focus onto maintaining Godly standards. This will take the sting out of disagreements so you can maintain friendly conversations by intentionally de-intensifying defensive emotions.

• See Appendix 2K to explore how to Minimize Conflict by Adjusting Your Perspective. 

• See the worksheets in the "Capture your Vision" tab so you can prepare your mind to take appropriate action as you face this transitional period. 

 

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If conflict does arise within a conversation, make an immediate and intentional decision to deescalate it. Don’t look at conflict like a competition about who is right or who is entitled to win; rather, be willing to do what you can to negotiate a positive outcome for both yourself and the other person (1 Corinthians 9:19-23).

• Take the self-quiz labeled “Flexibility in Personality Style”.

• What the mind can perceive, conceive and believe of God’s Word, it can achieve, in Christ (Nightingale, E. 2018, Mark 9:23, revisit Appendix 1A). ​

 

Being aware of the main styles of personality helps you stay focused on the goal of the conversation instead of being distracted/triggered by the unique expressions/attitude used in the conversation. A person with a resilient personality will choose to flex their own style when interacting to make other styles feel more comfortable while not losing site of your own long-term goals. You have the ability (directing your will) to practice resilience when you decide to use your faith in God to exercise self-control and patience (Hebrews 6:9-12). Jesus warned us that “in this world you’ll have trouble” but he also said you will have peace and joy (John 16:33). The two are not mutually exclusive. You are encouraged to face problems head-on with confidence, to stay engaged in your faith, despite all obstacles, so you can protect both your social and personal well-being (Scheier & Carver, 1985, Ephesians 6:10-18).​