The tension you feel when merging your newly recovered self into the mainstream community can be intense. For one, you’ll be surrounded by people with diverse thinking and beliefs. The likelihood of tension being created from interpersonal conflict is great because there may be goal incompatibility between your new personal identity and your old social reputation. Second, you’ll be interacting with a wide variety of people, some of whom knew you before your change, and you will have to work at establishing a new reputation. Your friends, and even family members, may look at the changes in you from their own point of view, which only lead them to think about how the change in you affects them. They may be hurt or even mad that you don’t want to join in with them on activities that you have shared in the past (1 Peter 4:3-5). This may cause uncharacteristic interpersonal conflict in those relationships that could leave you feeling frustrated, abandoned, and lonely (LaForge, R. (2004)).

 

Most people willingly change personal behavior to comply with mandatory standards set by an authority, such as in the case of a speed limit or another societal law. When it comes to making friends, laws are replaced with respect. The phrase “mandatory compliance” can be replaced with “voluntary versatility” when you want to establish an emotional connection with someone. Used in context of interpersonal relationships, voluntary versatility means being friendly, flexible and resilient while not sacrificing your character and values (Hunt, J. (2008)). “Flexing your style” is a phrase used to describe a situation in which you are willing to temper your personality to make others feel more comfortable dealing with you (your type of personality) while remaining true to your principles. Resiliency is to work through any obstacles you encounter on the way to goal completion. You may not feel like doing anything to solve a problem that may arise but that's where self-discipline comes into play so you can accomplish what it was you set out to do before you were challenged. 

• See Appendix 2C for a look at some common personality traits associated with the four main personality styles so you can be alert to the need to flex your style (move out of your comfort zone).​

 

Learning to be resilient and flexing your style are behaviors that, when combined, will keep the peace. Protect the progress you have made in your recovery thus far. Peacekeeping requires that you learn how to resolve a disagreement while maintaining the warmth of friendship in pursuit of your goals. This requires a goal and a desire for goodwill along with the willingness to self-regulate so you can honor the other persons personality and communication style. The challenge of doing this is that it is intentional, not instinctual. Wanting to control outcomes by slipping into your personality styles' back-up behavior is a natural human tendency but one that eventually spoils relationships. Human beings have a natural desire to preserve self by generating feelings of worthiness which is threatened when involved in a conflict because of the defensive reactions that comes from the threat to identity and security (Fisher, R.J. (2006), Fisher, R. J., (2006), Proverbs 29:25).

• Review Appendix 2K to soften some of your minds strongholds, "Minimize Conflict by Adjusting Your Perspective".

• Common "back up behaviors" (common reactions based on personality style:

 

 

 

 

 

Being alert and self-controlled prepares you for the reality of social disputes so you are not taken by surprise and ruled by emotions when such conflicts spring up (1 Peter 5:8, 2 Peter 1:6). Prepare your mind to anticipate this type of tension when you graduate from a recovery center and move back into the mainstream community so you can  prepare your strategy for Christian living in a secular world (John 18:36, Warner, W. J., (2017)). ​It is a predetermined mindset that guides your behavior to endure social strife (1 Corinthians 16:13-14). You do what you think about. When thoughts linger in your mind, they grow and overtake others. That is why it’s important to dismiss thoughts that are inconsistent with your character. Think of it like this; draw a mental picture around acceptable and unacceptable behavior so you can see and choose thoughts that will pull you towards healthy goals instead of letting instinct guide you into self-satisfaction. Fight off impulsivity, adjust your expectations to what is, and use intentional decision-making to achieve your new normal of cognitive consistency.

 

For example, if you are a Christian in an environment with non-believers, and a conflict emerges, "put on love" to minimize interpersonal conflict (Colossians 3:13-15, 1 Corinthians 1:10). When conflict does arise within a conversation, make an immediate decision to deescalate it by implementing the steps involved in the phrase "to put on love". The first step is is an intentional decision to trade self-defense for glorifying God in you. That means that, although you may feel you are being attacked, you shift your mindset to maintaining Godly standards so that the Holy Spirit can move you away from feeling like you need to protect yourself to thoughts of maintaining unity. This shift in perspectives will take the sting out of disagreements so you can maintain friendly conversations by intentionally de-intensifying emotions. Then the remaining steps will feel effortless. 

• Visit APPENDIX 2I to become more familiar with flexing your personality style. 

• Revisit Appendix 2D for the correlation between the decision to put on love and the ability to be resilient.

• See the worksheets in the "Capture your Vision" tab so you can prepare your mind to take appropriate action as you face this transitional period. 

 

 

 

 

 

​​​​​Don’t look at conflict like a competition about who is right or who is entitled to win; rather, be willing to do what you can to negotiate a positive outcome for both yourself and the other person (1 Corinthians 9:19-23). Remember, you have Christ's identity as your shield of defense protecting your self-worth so you do not have to let your human emotions control your behavior. Your power to do this begins with a decision, and then the Holy Spirit will guide you on how to maneuver through the conflict, but remember you must be willing to apply those Godly standards. Once your willing, you just need to ask God for help.

• Take the self-quiz labeled “Flexibility in Personality Style”.

• What the mind can perceive, conceive and believe of God’s Word, it can achieve, in Christ (Nightingale, E. 2018, Mark 9:23, revisit Appendix 1A). ​