Appendix 2I; Choose to FLEX so you Can Avoid Conflict
Tension escalates into anxiety if not intentionally managed.
Personality flexing takes a willingness to curb your own desires so you remain calm and committed to the goal of peacekeeping through collaboration, rather than allowing feelings of frustration and self-defense to sidetrack you into a competion. Choosing an appropriate response so you don’t escalate the conflict takes intentionality. Each personality style has its own unique way of reacting under pressure. This is due to a natural inclination to express what personality specialists have labeled your "back up behavior" (language used by the Wilson Learning Leadership Development company). This type of instinctual reaction can be helpful when you are in survival mode, but it is an overreaction when you choose to respond this way to a non-violent personal interaction.
Despite your natural tendency to want to react immediately to relieve your discomfort, you do have a choice in regards to whether you want to react or respond to a triggering remark so you can keep the peace. Use your Christianity to reframe your reactions. Be willing
to flex your personality style so you can maintain friendly communication, even when you feel frustrated. While there are predictable ways certain styles react under stress, (those tense behaviors are written in brown) when conflict persists and becomes even more intense, people slip into their natural “back up behaviors” - which are written in red CAPITAL LETTERS.
For a summary of style preferences go to http://www.chasewoodford.com/blog/understanding-social-styles/.
For more on versatility go to the Wilson Learning Worldwide website.
Your back-up behavior is a reaction from your “comfort zone”; implying it's an unaltered feeling, rather than expression of an intentional choice to respond in a way consistent with the Holy Spirit in you. Comfort zone
reactions express raw feelings rather than Christian character integrity. A choice by a Christian not to flex his or her style demonstrates double-mindedness. You are a double-minded Christian when you have two incompatible goals; winning an argument and modeling your Christian belief/values. Unfortunately, unless intentionally chosen, your default reaction is self-defense so winning becomes the goal.
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Read more about your "comfort zone" in Appendix 1N.
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Take a closer look into defense mechanisms in Section 1; ... the Tendency to Self-protect.
It takes intentionality to override your natural survival instincts so you don’t overreact in a tense situation. Avoid a battle of the will(s) and remain focused. Don’t let poor interpersonal skills get in the way of your long-term vision. Instead, change your perspective and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance in navigating through a difficult conversation. A healthy identity in Christ brings confidence. With confidence comes Christian boldness; the ability to flex your style because you listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. A Christian’s flexibility in interpersonal relationships is the proof that you are walking in the Spirit.
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See workbook section called Capture your Vision, and take the self-quizzes designed to test your ability to flex.
Being familiar with typical personality behavior will arm you with understanding which can reduce the tension that is generated during a conflict. Both anger and sadness are neutral emotions (intended to signal or raise awareness to a disruption of your peace rather than to be acted out). These emotions are either good or bad based on how they are expressed (Proverbs 15:18, Ephesians 4:31). Knowing the difference between an escalating emotional disagreement and a dangerous threat to your safety will help you decide what to do with your emotions; diffuse them, flee the scene, change the subject, or express them righteously. Righteous emotions, defined as emotions that cause you to act in defense of a Godly value, are not the same as emotions stemming from self-gratification and control which are fear-based reactions, caused by a lack of trust in God (Hunt, J. (2008)).
Do you respond to a conflict with compassion and empathy or do you react with hard-heartedness
and defensiveness?
Do you make a conscious effort to flex your personality style to avoid escalating a disagreement or do you get offended and let your frustrated emotions lead your behavior?
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To read an analysis of the personalities of key Biblical people see book by Voges, Ken & Braund, Ron (1995). Understanding How Others Misunderstand You. Moody Publishers, Chicago, Illinois.