Appendix 2I; Choose to FLEX so you Can Avoid Conflict
Tension escalates into anxiety if not intentionally managed.
Each personality style has its own unique way of reacting under pressure. If this reaction is not Spirit - controlled, a tense discussion may cause a disagreement to escalate into a conflict. (This is a natural inclination to express your "back up behavior" (language used by the Wilson Learning Leadership Development company). The fight or flight instinct is helpful when you are in survival mode, but it is an overreaction when you choose to respond this way to a non-violent interpersonal conflict. Use your Christianity to reframe your reactions. Goal frustration leads to the generation of emotions that, if not consciously altered, can linger and change your goal-based Christian behavior to self-based, desire-driven behavior. Personality flexing takes a willingness to curb your own desires so you remain committed to the goal of peacekeeping. Choosing an appropriate response so you don’t escalate the conflict takes intentionality. If you don’t keep your personality under control, you will respond reflexively, without thinking.
Be willing to flex your own style so you can maintain friendly communication. While there are predictable ways certain styles react under pressure, (those back up behaviors are listed in the chart using red capital letters), you do have a choice as to whether you want to react or respond to a triggering remark. Your back-up behavior is a reaction from your “comfort zone” rather than an intentional response. It’s behavior that expresses what you feel most comfortable doing at the moment, not necessarily a behavior that shows your character integrity as a Christian. A choice by a Christian not to flex his or her style demonstrates double-mindedness. You are a double-minded Christian when you have two competing goals; winning an argument and keeping the your Christian belief/values.
-
Read more about your "comfort zone" in Appendix 1N.
For a summary of style preferences go to http://www.chasewoodford.com/blog/understanding-social-styles/.
For more on versatility go to the Wilson Learning Worldwide website.
It takes intentionality to override your natural survival instincts so you don’t overreact in a tense situation. Avoid a battle of the will(s) and remain focused. Don’t let poor interpersonal skills get in the way of your long-term vision. (See workbook section called Capture your Vision.) Instead, change your perspective and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance in navigating through a difficult conversation. A healthy identity brings confidence and with confidence comes Christian boldness; the ability to flex your style because you listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. A Christian’s flexibility in interpersonal relationships is the proof that you are walking in the Spirit.
Being familiar with typical personality behavior will arm you with understanding which can reduce the tension that is generated during a conflict. Anger and sadness are neutral emotions (intended to signal or raise awareness to a disruption of your peace). These emotions are either good or bad based on how they are expressed and judged against the standards (Proverbs 15:18, Ephesians 4:31). Knowing the difference between an escalating emotional disagreement and a dangerous threat to your safety will help you decide what to do with your emotions; diffuse them, flee the scene, or express them righteously. Righteous emotions, defined as emotions that cause you to act in defense of a Godly value, are not the same as emotions stemming from self-gratification and control which are fear-based reactions, caused by a lack of trust in God (Hunt, J. (2008)).
Do you respond to a conflict with compassion and empathy or do you react with hard-heartedness
and defensiveness?
Do you make a conscious effort to flex your personality style to avoid escalating a disagreement or do you get offended and let your frustrated emotions lead your behavior?
-
To read an analysis of the personalities of key Biblical people see book by Voges, Ken & Braund, Ron (1995). Understanding How Others Misunderstand You. Moody Publishers, Chicago, Illinois.