Feeling offended, discouraged, sad and/or frustrated are triggers. These can stimulate worry, restlessness, irritability, defensiveness and anxiety (expressed differently based on personality) and cause a relapse back to your old, bad habits. Being aware of this common tendency is critical because it stimulates your decision-making options. When engaged in conversation, if a person acts on these negative feelings, without the use of self-restraint, each person will lose sight of the original goal of friendly dialogue (James 3:9–10, 13). 

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Being offended because your opinion is not affirmed by someone else is a typical human reaction, but it needs to be tamed rather than expressed. Emotions die hard! When your emotions do take over, they do so quickly and before you know it, your mind has changed the goal of the discussion away from keeping the peace towards self-preservation and/or self-enhancement. This shift produces the default, impulsive, reaction of defensiveness - which escalates a potential disruption.  

 

 

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A typical conditioned response is your default, unless you interrupt the cycle. Feeling threatened (real or self-conscious), fearful, anxious and/or sad automatically re-routes your priorities to self-protection, a form of the fight or flight instinct. ​​For example, even though you don’t want to fight with your brother, you may still find yourself acting defensively because the words he expressed triggered in you a familiar chain reaction; a mix of old familiar feelings that stimulated your instincts to react in self-defense. Unless you interrupt the automacy of the brain with a counter thought, your good intentions will not materialize. During a conversation, when you find your feelings moving from a relaxed state to a disturbed one, and from an internal to an external release (which you express), not only will the conversation escalate into a conflict, but it will likely leave bad feelings that, if linger, will take root in the form of bitterness - which is like a cloud covering the sun - shading your personality. So put on the brakes and don't let your emotions feed an immediate reaction. 

• See article from Dr. Megan Anna Neff , a clinical psychologist and founder of Neurodivergent Insight for more about conscious and subconcious emotions and forthcoming decisions @ https://neurodivergentinsights.com/where-do-emotions-come-from-a-complete-research-guide/.

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Respond to What is Said Based on Who You Are and What You Want to Achieve

Consider the possible reasons why the conflict evoked uncomfortable feelings. For example, instead of immediately reacting with a self-assured attitude, consider; 

• Who misunderstood the message that was communicated; you or the other person??

• Does the point of the conflict boil down to a competition as to who will win the tug of war over whose perspective will win out? Sometimes a misunderstanding can occur simply because people have a general tendency to be seen as right in their opinion and may be misinterpreting your comment as a criticism.

  • Be thinking about who replaced the goal of understanding with the goal of winning, being seen as right or in control; and then focus on understanding. I statements and reframing to diffuse and continue the conversation.

• Do you or the other person involved have underlying issues and/or assumptions that are clouding the conversation? Was a defense mechanism triggered that is protecting yours or your neighbor's self-image? It may or may not be you, but this allows you to consider the possibility that someone else may be misinterpreting your behavior and is offended by you because you may have unknowingly pulled a trigger.

  • For more exploration into your possible lingering frustration that projects, unknowingly in interpersonal relations (because of a psychological trigger), read an interesting academic paper by Di Giuseppe M, Perry JC, called The Hierarchy of Defense Mechanisms. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being aware of your own feelings and those of others is crucial to redirecting them into productive behavior (James 3:9-10).​​​​​​​​​ The feeling of defensiveness might always be a gut reaction, but, with time and practice, you can learn to override these conditioned responses with an intended new habit and corresponding goal. The uncertainty you feel from unmet expectations will trigger either a proactive or a reactive response.​ When you slide into a conflict, consider the possibility of a misunderstanding (yours or theirs). Before offering an opinion, tame yours by considering if the miscommunication is;

• a signal to a secondary problem that skews personal perception- yours and/or theirs,

• your own possible double-mindedness; are you honoring God as yourself and then your neighbor next?

• a reflection of pride or selfishness interfering in peaceful problem-solving? Or         

• a sign of a weak identity or a fragile self esteem (yours or theirs)?

 

​Your identity controls behavior. If you aren't convinced of God's love for you (not just everyone else), you are more likely to react out of insecurity while as a Christian you can respond from a secure, confident posture (Christ's identity) removing the sting or intensity of the situation. Intense feeling stems from insecurity aggravated by a hyper-sensitive self-esteem/concept that reacts quickly. Let God work in you (Matthew 13:13, Ephesians 1:18-19). Set your mind on maintaining friendly conversations.  

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Re-frame Your Perspective and Redirect Towards the Goal of Peacekeeping (John 14:27, Romans 12:18, Isaiah 26:3).​ 

Where you place your focus is a choice and what you choose to focus on determines your experience. (Your present day reality shapes your tomorrows.) To best way to manage interpersonal conflict, is to adjust your personality expression by intentionally changing your perspective, so you harness your emotions and direct them towards a new goal of peacekeeping (Boekaerts, M. (2002), 2 Corinthians 10:3, 4, 7). To do this takes an intentional shift of focus away from your own feelings of discouragement and onto the other person involved. Looking at your neighbor as a unique, imperfect person who is also, like you, a sinner, helps to depersonalize the conflict and stir up thoughts of compassion. ​Choose to turn away from the temptation to judge the other person, instead stay focused on controlling yourself to maintain unity (Ephesians 4:2-3, 4:29, Psalm 133:1, Romans 2:1-3, Matthew 7:1-5, Luke 6:37). Remember God, the healer of broken people (Psalm 3:3-4, 27:14, 347:18, the Serenity Prayer). When you do, you will be less likely to take comments personally, and you'll automatically lift your head to God and pray for the strength to use patience and self-control so you can reframe the discussion and respond appropriately (Galatians 5:16, 5:22). 

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The very slight pause that comes with introducing this new thought/perspective into your mind, gives the positive energy you need to get the situation back on track. When you are in the midst of conflict (2 Corinthians 10:17-18), decide to let the Holy Spirit tame your human instincts so you'll be reminded to act on truth, in love, even in the midst of your feelings of anger and insecurity (1 John 3:18, John 16:13, 16:33, Philippians 1:9-11, 2:12, 1 Corinthians 2:16, 2 Corinthians 3:4-6, James 3:3, Ephesians 5:2). When you are engaged in a friendly conversation that turns tense, take a deep breath and consider things like; ​​​

• what extenuating circumstances might have compounded the problem,

• the potential threat level (consider this whether or not the threat is real, imagined, or the result of a hyper-sensitive ego).

• Ask yourself if you are getting caught up in a potential sin cycle, and then think about who can/will interrupt it? See Appendix 1I.

• Take a fresh look a the decision making worksheet in the "Capture Your Vision" tab to retrain your brain to think about making decisions from a Godly perspective. 

• Take note of the personality styles of all parties, including your own, and the typical "back up" behaviors associated with each when under pressure. 

  • Try to zero in on the role personality plays in showing emotions. By sizing people up, you can think of ways to soothe the offended party and you'll know better what type of reaction/response s/he is going to give you in return. Another reason to do this, is to help you adjust your own attitude from self, back to other. After all, a Christians' default thinking which can increase the chance of a de-escalation of the potential conflict so friendly communication can continue (Colossians 1:11). A shift in focus helps your mind let go of emotionally charged thoughts so you can respond with compassion, which deescalates the potential relationship friction. Practice the skill of resilience as you rely on your faith in Christ to shape your long-term thinking and empower you to act consistently with your values (Ephesians 6:10-18).  

    • Choose to FLEX your personality style in response to stressful situations so you can avoid conflict. Appendix 2I shows some typical stress expression by personality style so you can better identify and understand the heightened reactions of yourself and others before responding to a shaded comment. 

    • Read "Stay Full of God" in relation to Appendix 1L (Turning a Spiritual Reality into the Physical) and Appendix 2F (Allowing the Spirit to Influence) so you can practice the art of self-discipline.

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​​​​​​​To address and acknowledge the break in the friendly tone of the conversation (with the goal of moving the conversation forward), try to bring up how you feel, without accusation. Use an "I" statement to acknowledge the friction and then change the subject,

• "I feel like our conversation is getting confused and I don't mean to upset you. Anyway, ....? " Or -

• "I feel like our conversation is getting too pointed. Let’s get back to our discussion. How ....?” Or -

• “I see things a bit differently because I look at things from a Godly perspective, so let’s move on. What about ...?”

Wait in silence for a response. Not all comments made to you needed to be responded to and vice versa.

 

Do you express frustration because you allow your hurt feelings and the 

defense mechanisms they trigger in you to outshine your Christianity?