Handling Interpersonal Relationships
Self-focus takes away from your awareness of social opportunities. Here’s an example of a shy/introverted person who tends to worry but who intentionally chooses to use their faith to inspire positive self-talk and a hopeful attitude:
I’m going to a gathering where I don’t know anybody. If I believe I don’t make a good first impression, or I worry that nobody will talk to me, I will probably enter the party acting awkward, anxious, and standoffish. If I do that, people will be likely to interact with me with less enthusiasm, or they may ignore or shun me, which only reinforces my belief that I’m not good with people I don’t know. On the other hand, if I enter the event believing that I’m good with people I don’t know and am expecting to meet people, I’ will assert myself to be friendly, engaging, and less apt to project a cold shoulder. As a result, people will likely respond back to me in a friendly manner. (If they don’t, do not be so quick to think the problem is with you!)
A less obvious example of mismanaging personal expectations that have potentially negative social consequences is found in someone who possess perfectionist tendencies. If you are a perfectionist, your anxiety will surface because of your belief that both yourself and others expect perfection from you. Grace Norberg (2015) says,
On the surface, being a perfectionist seems like a good thing. It sounds like something one would say in a job interview when they ask about “weaknesses” but you know you should still showcase your strengths. However, perfectionism can be a real burden and negatively affect your life if you let it go too far. Perfectionism is actually a defense mechanism protecting against the pain of being wrong or feeling like a failure. It can lead to being judgmental towards yourself and others, alienating friends and family, engaging in negative self-talk, and feelings of stress and anxiety.
Excessive Self-focus Leads to Perfectionism and/or Procrastination
Perfectionism carries with it emotional anxiety that prevents you from change and risk taking. Fear of not being perfect can also cause procrastination. The thought of doing something perfectly triggers an uncomfortable feeling, so you put it off to avoid the discomforting thought until the deadline is right in front of you. In the worst-case scenario, both procrastination and perfectionism can be present when trying to complete a task. For example, rather than dedicating an excessive amount of time to try to do something perfectly, you put it off until time runs out so you can’t possibly do it perfectly even though you have established this as an expectation. The fear of imperfection perpetuates procrastination and turns into a negative self-fulfilling prophecy that is revealed in both attitude and behavior. When you attend a gathering, if you allow perfectionist tendencies to control your thinking, you will never make it THROUGH THE DOOR of the event because you will take too much time getting ready and if you are a procrastinator, you may not even start to get ready until it’s too late to make it on time (Ecclesiastes 11:4).
The point of using these examples is to understand how your own quirks become habits that become part of your personality and your routine. Whether you think personality is static or fluid doesn’t really matter. It’s understanding that you get comfortable doing or saying things so your personality shapes your future behavioral choices that you choose to display, determining your A,B,C's. If you have been disappointed by the outcomes in your life, make different choices. The hard part of implementing this advice is that habits are deeply ingrained in your personality and become part of your reputation; who you are known to be. Habits are a part of your daily routine; a comfortable pattern of behavior for you and for those around you to come to expect from you. So any change to your personal behavior can cause anxiety because of the initial impact the change has in your routine. (See tab Still Anxious? for more articles.)
The TEMPORARY discomfort to you as you incorporate change into your personality can be worsened or lessened based on the type of reinforcement you receive from your chosen social environment. When you are trying to quit an unhealthy dependency, you will have to make some intentional decisions that will shape your future reputation. It is unrealistic to expect you can maintain your old reputation. It's also unrealistic to think all your old friends will like the change in you. Without a strong identity in Christ, the insecurity you may feel as you implement change could be a trigger to relapse. Revisit "The Change Process" and "... Triggers" in The Art of Self-Mastery.
Accept yourself as you are, God does. Be committed to your intention to give up unhealthy dependencies despite the discomfort of trying to balance your psyche with your social environment. Let your strength flow from your faith. Explore your faith. Learn about it and practice what you know of the Bible. The Bible has answers to all your questions as you go through the various stages of life. When you have a secure identity in Christ you loose your drive for not only perfectionism and procrastination but materialism and people pleasing.
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What drives you to push for perfectionism?
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What drives you to procrastinate? Is it;
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fear of failure?
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fear of losing your self-esteem?
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fear of the discomfort of practicing to learn a new routine?
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fear of losing your social reputation?
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Are these unbounded thoughts pushing you back to the habits that you are trying to break?
When you know God, you believe you are the righteousness of Christ and you don't need to be perfect to prove it (John 17:3, 1 Corinthians 1:30-31, 2 Corinthians 5:21, Hebrews 10:14). This brings a balance of fear and love. It gives you a Christian perspective in which to frame your growth and productivity expectations. To grow as a Christian, you need to accept God's mercy while not abusing His grace (Romans 6:1-2). Practicing what you know of the Word as you add to your learning is a life-long Christian journey (Philippians 3:14-17). It's a process, one in which, as a Christian, you need to choose and one which requires a focused effort to "grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ" (2 Peter 3:18). Choosing to grow is like choosing to go down a different street to avoid the "hole in the sidewalk". You have to nurture the "mind of Christ" so that what is true in your spirit can be demonstrated in your physical habits (Mark 4:1-8, 1 Corinthians 2:16, Philippians 4:9).
The value of a Judea-Christian perspective is echoed in the secular world. A quote from Benjamin Franklin reveals his stance concerning the treatment of self and others;
“The best thing to give; …to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; (respect) to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all others, charity.”
You Will Attract in Life What You Project
Confidence and positive energy attract success. All of us want to have good feelings when we interact. The first thing you can do when you come into contact with someone is to express a welcoming and friendly disposition (through both body/facial language and voice tone. Then, assert yourself verbally by taking the initiative to greet people. Don't wait for people to be friendly, show them how! When you attend a social event, be on time and show up with measured enthusiasm. Be grateful. Be courageous. Be kind. Be content. Pick up your chin, push back your shoulders, and smile. These help to shape first impressions and first impressions trigger behavioral responses by onlookers (Carnegie, D. (1988), Lopes, P. N., Salovey, P., Côté, S., Beers, M., & Petty, R. E. (2005), Rafaeli, A., & Sutton, R. I. (1991).
As a Christian, you have an advantage. You can channel the energy you feel from God’s love for you and use it as the fuel that supports your positive attitude/behavioral change. Prepare your mind for action says the Apostle Peter
(1 Peter 1:13). Be meek-- open yet gentle, forgiving not defensive and you will experience the peace of Christian cognitive consistency (James 3:17). Honoring God’s love for you is shown by your character integrity (behavior that is consistent with your value-based decisions) and is what brings internal peace. When tension starts to rise, a
confident Christian will learn to check him/herself, first, for a disconnect between their ways and God's ways.
Finding like-minded friends takes time, commitment, and an optimistic attitude. How you express yourself to others shapes both your own and other people’s expectations. In section one, it was identified that self-preoccupation can be revealed in the form of shyness or even arrogance based on personality (see the second half of the page "Perception Drives Behavioral Choices".) When you walk into social gatherings with a friendly and humble attitude, you position yourself to be responded to in a positive way so relationships can develop (1 Corinthians 2:6, Ephesians 4:2-3).