Shame is a destructive feeling and one that interferes with your goal of a healthy psycho-social balance because your identity is a dominate influencer for the quality of your decisions and selection of friends. Possessing a self-conscious (and sometimes subconscious) shameful feeling arises in a person who relies on their performance as the main source of their self-worth (Brown, B. (2012)). That means that their level of contentment falls based on having done something dishonorable, immoral, or improper that was prompted by a pull towards people/self - pleasing because, as Research Professor Brene Brown (2012) says, shame is “an attack on self-worth” (page 224). Shame produces a timid feeling that blocks confident, authentic expression and halts your freedom to act with transparency, compassion and intimacy, all necessary components to loyal, trustworthy relationships. Shame and transparency cannot exist together in healthy relationships as they work against each other producing a stalemate known as psychological isolation, a common defense mechanism for a person experiencing shame.

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Without vulnerability, neither transparency nor authentic intimacy is possible (see Appendix 2N). Researcher as well as social worker, Brene Brown, talks openly about her own struggles with shame and how it led to unproductive behavior; “Feelings of shame lead to desperation and escapism which results in the unintended consequence of isolation” (Brown 2012, p 140). She goes on to say, “psychological isolation is not the same as being alone” and, as a personal example, she provides a glimpse at her experience; “Vulnerability (expressing true yet unpopular values publicly) led to anxiety, which led to shame, which led to disconnection which led to Bud Light” … and goes on to say, “I wasn’t raised with the skills and emotional practice to lean into discomfort so overtime I became a take-the-edge-off-alcoholic” (Brown, 2012, p 141).​ 

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When your personal behavior is different from that of the group’s, shaming practices begin as a way for the group to keep its cohesiveness by disassociating itself from you. This generates in you those insecure feelings that invites negative thinking which when acted upon, sabotages your goal alignment. (An example of what happens when your vulnerability gets blocked by a weak self-concept.) Susan Fiske (2018), a professor of psychology, identifies five motives that are common in relationships; belonging, understanding, controlling, enhancing self, and trusting others. These motives are the main ways that a person engages with other people. Love and belonging are impossible to experience without trust and vulnerability. Shameful feelings (and buried vulnerability) attack your ability to form healthy qualities that form more than surface level relationships. Brene Brown adds that lacking empathy (for yourself and others) will contribute to shameful feelings by implementing sabotaging behaviors like "loneliness, isolation, or disconnection from others, which will negatively impact your mental health and well-being" (Brown, B., 2012)). 

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Trust and vulnerability are traits you need to experience God’s work in your life. When shame undermines your faith, it is because your focus is on yourself, on your perception and assessment of your self-worth, rather than focused on God's view of you. False pride skews your perception and blocks the vulnerability needed for true intimacy with others. If you feel ashamed about the consequences your addiction has had and if you have not dissolved these feelings during rehabilitation, then you have not fully accepted the assurance of Christ’s forgiveness.  If this is the case, consider if this may be do your hyper-focus on self-rather than enlarging your perspective to include the character of God and His gift of imputed righteousness (Romans 8:1-3, 1 Corinthians 1:30, 2 Corinthians 5:21, 1 Peter 3:18).​ 

• Test your application of Christianity, see the self-evaluation quizzes in the Capture Your Vision section @ https://www.createyournewnormal.org/self-reflective-bible-studies-1).

 

When used in the Bible, guilt is a moral feeling from a state or condition (Romans 3:23). It's a state of mind that you transition to when you knowingly break a known law or moral standard. Being in a guilty state arouses the desire to rid yourself of this uncomfortable feeling (unless you are in denial). Guilt needs humility to recognize the limitations of humanity. By accepting that your humanity brings imperfections, you can better accept the role of God in your life. This awareness leads to change. Awareness usually stimulates curiosity and often leads to trying new approaches to life's problems, like a new willingness to take a closer look at yourself and what a "higher authority" has to say about life. Humility produced guilt is what is needed for repentance. The realization that awareness of wrongdoing brings is what prompts you to change - a voluntary and visible change in your thinking and your expressed action (2 Corinthians 7:10-11). This is especially true with Christians because of the knowledge of God's mercy and grace, offered to you in Jesus Christ, constrains* our humanity (Proverbs 28:13, 1 Corinthians 1:27-30, Romans 2:4).

• *When a person becomes convicted, God is knocking at your door. When you respond and accept Him, Its guilt, not shame, that convicts and humbles us to bring repentance to the Holy Sovereign God of all (Ephesians 4:6).

 

Repentance means a turning away from, or an abandonment of wrongdoing that stemmed from self-fulfillment, a mis-prioritization of God in your life (2 Chronicles 7:14, Luke 3:8-9, 2 Corinthians 7:9-11). ​The knowledge of God educates you to who you are in Christ and this provides you with a sense of worthiness that motivates self-improvement, forgiveness, and vulnerability towards God and others. Loyalty and conviction, not shame and unworthiness, are characteristics of God’s family. Worthiness has no prerequisites in God’s kingdom; whereas “shame loves prerequisites” (Brown, B., 2012, pp 220-221). ​When you remember God and that He;

• forgives you upon repentance,

• looks at your heart's intention and

• doesn't demand perfection in your performance,

you can chase away human feelings of insecurity which interferes with your connections with others. ​​

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Shame produces Christian cognitive dissonance, stalls growth and prevents you from achieving physical change/transformation (2 Peter 1:5-7, Romans 12:2, Ephesians 4:22-24). A Christian, who carries shame for past mistakes or is still being held victim to past hurts, has not realized that in Christ, shame has no place. Guilt replaces that emotion in a Christian and is meant to trigger repentance so you don't carry your mistakes into tomorrow. It's like when you jump off a diving board, you leave shame behind as you jump into the water (Psalm 18:23). If your identity is "hidden" in Christ, it is guilt, not shame, that motivates a change in both your attitude and behavior because the freedom that repentance brings renews your hope (2 Chronicles 7:14, Colossians 3:2-4).

 

Let Christian hope motivate you to grab hold of anxious thoughts and to calm your emotions by bringing “every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:2-5). To maintain your peace and joy, choose to live among like-minded people so you’ll be encouraged to act out Christian principles publicly. When you do, you’ll achieve the Christian psychosocial balance. When you don’t find a like-minded social group, you suffer from a new round of cognitive dissonance because your new normal behavior (C  = E  , as explained in let-the-holy-spirit-d-empower-your A, B, C's) is now the subject of the shaming practices of that old social group - which wears down your commitment to maintaining your new normal lifestyle. ​If you let shame or public opinion rule in your decision-making, you will not comprehend the term unconditional love.

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“Belonging is being somewhere you want to be, and they want you to be there. It’s being accepted for who you are. (I get to be me if I belong.) Fitting in, on the other hand, is group membership that you really want to be a part of, but the people in the group don’t care one way or another (whether you are in the group or not). Fitting in is like being accepted for being like everyone else in that group. In fact, fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted.” … “Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are” (Brown, (2012) pp 231-232). ​ Accepting a non-manipulative form of love, is the indicator between accepting responsibility and forgiveness and rejecting it because your defense mechanisms block out the needed vulnerability to allow a heart change.

 

Do you feel unworthy of forgiveness; angry or hurt by yourself or others; or afraid to shed your old reputation?

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Unconditional Love Knows No Shame

Unconditional love is not self-centered, it's other-centered (because of your ability to trust someone of greater  than yourself.) God extends loving-kindness without judging performance and without demanding anything in return (Galatians 6:7-10). It’s an act that doesn’t require an exchange (not manipulative, but unconditional). Without accepting the unconditional love of God, you will not develop the hope and joy of the Holy Spirit that inspires you to give what you found away to others. Look at the private and public changes that Saul of Tarsus went through once he acknowledged and learned about Christ.

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Saul was the name of the Apostle Paul before he was a believer in Christ. Saul was an intensely religious and  prideful man who left no room for God to work outside his thinking and this resulted in Him trying to kill off the Jesus movement that birthed Christianity after His death and resurrection in AD 33. Paul killed Christians because he saw them as spreading false teaching about God, but immediately changed when he was convicted by Christ. He worked out his transformation with fear and trembling and became known as the Apostle Paul who proved his heart change by practicing self-sacrificial, unconditional love to not just his fellow Jews but to the Gentiles too (Galatians 3:28, Romans 8:31-35, 10:12, Galatians 2:20). No matter in what situation he found himself, Paul  remained content and satisfied because He was showing the Love of God to others despite the negative social ramifications he was experiencing from non-believers (Romans 8:15-17, 1 Corinthians 7:23, 2 Corinthians 11:23-27, 1 Timothy 6:6, 2 Timothy 1:8-12). One can only imagine the feelings Paul might have felt, both publicly and privately, as he transitioned into an evangelical Christian - however he choose to focus on Christ instead of himself, and he willingly aligned his attitude and behavior towards Christ like behavior. In fact, the depth of his transformation was so deep, he became a "bondservant" to (disciple of) Christ; his love and respect for Christ led him to follow and try to mimic His ABC's (Ephesians 6:5-6, 1 Timothy 6:1, Titus 2:9). Paul’s commitment to Christianity ShinE d through in all he did once his perspective changed and he was transformed by Love (Luke 14:28, Philippians 2:1-9, 3:12-15, Acts 9:1-22).

• Read more about Saul @ https://www.gotquestions.org/Saul-chosen-vessel.html.

• Paul showed his gratitude and commitment to God by loving others unconditionally (see Appendix N and Appendix 2P).

• Read more about how Christian discipleship reduces anxiety in the "Still Anxious" tab to prevent triggers that lead you back to the "old man" ways (Colossians 3:8-10).