Shame is a destructive feeling and one that interferes with your goal of a healthy psychosocial balance. Shame is a social concept because of its connection to relationships but it also has a psychological component because of the impact it has on identity. When your personal behavior is different from that of the group’s, shaming practices begin as a way for the group to keep its cohesiveness by disassociating itself from you. This generates in you insecure feelings that brings negative thinking and causes your own sabotaging/unproductive behavior. Author Brene Brown (2012) says, shame is “an attack on self-worth” (page 224). Susan Fiske (2018), a professor of psychology, identifies five motives that are common in relationships; belonging, understanding, controlling, enhancing self, and trusting others. These motives are the main ways that a person engages with other people while maintaining a healthy self-worth. Shameful feelings attack all these healthy qualities. Brene Brown say that lacking empathy (for yourself and others) will contribute to shameful feelings by implementing sabotaging behaviors like "loneliness, isolation, or disconnection from others, which will negatively impact your mental health and well-being" (Brown, B., 2012)). Love and belonging are impossible to experience without trust and vulnerability.

 

Shame skews your perception and blocks your vulnerability and intimacy with others. Sometimes it’s hidden behind false pride. Being vulnerable carries a risk of exposure that shame cannot withstand. Being vulnerable

exposes your true self in front of others, freeing you from shaming practices of others. If you feel ashamed about the consequences your addiction has had and if you have not dissolved these feelings during rehabilitation, then you have not fully accepted the assurance of Christ’s forgiveness because you hyper-focus on self instead of enlarging your perspective to include the character of God and His gift of imputed righteousness (Romans 8:1-3, 1 Corinthians 1:30, 2 Corinthians 5:21, 1 Peter 3:18).

• Test your application of Christianity, see the self-evaluation quizzes in the Capture Your Vision section @ https://www.createyournewnormal.org/self-reflective-bible-studies-1).

 

Shame produces a timid feeling that blocks the confident expression of faith. Shame and transparency are mutually exclusive and cannot exist together in healthy relationships. Without vulnerability, neither transparency nor authentic intimacy is possible (see Appendix 2N). Researcher and social worker, Brene Brown, says “Feelings of shame lead to desperation and escapism which results in the unintended consequence of isolation” (Brown 2012, p 140). She explains “psychological isolation is not the same as being alone” and, as a personal example, goes on to say that for her; “Vulnerability (expressing true yet unpopular values publicly) led to anxiety, which led to shame, which led to disconnection which led to Bud Light” … “I wasn’t raised with the skills and emotional practice to lean into discomfort so overtime I became a take-the-edge-off-alcoholic” (Brown, 2012, p 141).​ 

 

Shame is not an instinctual emotion. It is an unpleasant feeling that comes from a negative self-evaluation which produces Christian cognitive dissonance, stalls growth and prevents you from achieving change/transformation (2 Peter 1:5-7, Romans 12:2, Ephesians 4:22-24). A Christian, who carries shame for past mistakes or is still being held victim to past hurts, has not realized that in Christ the past is simply a springboard into the future where shame is left behind as you jump into new waters (Psalm 18:23). If your identity is "hidden" in Christ, it is guilt, not shame, that motivates a change in both in attitude and behavior because of the freedom repentance brings so you can look forward to sharing in God's glory (2 Chronicles 7:14, Colossians 3:2-4 ). 

 

When used in the bible, guilt is a moral feeling from a state or condition (Romans 3:23). It's a state of mind that you transition to when you knowingly break a known law or moral standard. Being in a guilty state arouses the desire to alleviate this condition. The base of guilt is humility; accepting that your humanity brings imperfections. Instead of stimulating self-justification, guilt stimulates self-evaluation and repentance, the root behavior associated with the attitude of humility. Guilt generates awareness and the realization of wrongdoing which is what prompts repentance; a voluntary and visible change in the direction of your expressed in action (2 Corinthians 7:10-11). This is especially true with Christians because of the knowledge of God's mercy and grace offered in Jesus Christ constrains our humanity, when we let it (Proverbs 28:13, 1 Corinthians 1:27-30, Romans 2:4). The word guilt is replaced with the Christian word conviction because the feeling motivates repentance.

 

Repentance means a turning away from, or an abandonment of wrongdoing that stems from self-fulfillment, a mis-prioritizing God in your life (2 Chronicles 7:14, Luke 3:8-9, 2 Corinthians 7:9-11). Shame is a psycho-social feeling; a self-conscious feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises in relation to having done something dishonorable, immoral, or improper that was prompted by a pull towards people/self - pleasing instead of remaining steadfast in keeping God first (Genesis 3:10). Shame halts your freedom to act with transparency, compassion and intimacy, all necessary components to loyal, trustworthy relationships. When shame undermines your faith, it is because your focus is on yourself, your perception and assessment of your self - worth, rather than focuses on God's view of you. When you remember that God looks at your heart's intention and doesn't demand perfection in your performance, you can chase human feelings of  insecurity which halts and/or interferes with you from getting reconnected to others and put you back on the path that leads to eternal life.

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The knowledge of God educates you to who you are in Christ and this provides you with a sense of worthiness that motivates self-improvement, forgiveness, and vulnerability towards God and others. Loyalty and conviction, not shame and unworthiness, are characteristics of God’s family. Worthiness has no prerequisites in God’s kingdom; whereas “shame loves prerequisites” (Brown, B., 2012, pp 220-221). ​ 

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For a Christian trying to change your habits, recognizing the difference between the emotions of shame and guilt clears up a fuzzy perception and frees you to set and reach appropriate goals. Choose to grab hold of anxious thoughts and to calm emotions by bringing “every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:2-5). To maintain your peace and joy, choose to live among like-minded people so you’ll be encouraged to act out Christian principles publicly. When you do, you’ll achieve the Christian psychosocial balance. When you don’t find a like-minded social group, you suffer from a new round of cognitive dissonance because your new normal behavior (C  = E  , as explained in let-the-holy-spirit-d-empower-your-A, B, C's) is now the subject of shaming practices of that old social group - which wears down your commitment to maintain your new normal lifestyle.   ​

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“Belonging is being somewhere you want to be, and they want you to be there. It’s being accepted for who you are. (I get to be me if I belong.) Fitting in, on the other hand, is group membership that you really want to be a part of, but the people in the group don’t care one way or another (whether you are in the group or not). Fitting in is like being accepted for being like everyone else in that group. In fact, fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted.” … “Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are” (Brown, (2012) pp 231-232). ​

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If you let shame or public opinion rule in your decision-making, you will not comprehend the term unconditional love. Accepting a non-manipulative form of love, is the indicator between accepting responsibility and forgiveness and rejecting it because your defense mechanisms block out the needed vulnerability to allow a heart change. Do you feel unworthy of forgiveness; angry or hurt by yourself or others; or afraid to shed your old reputation?

Unconditional love is not self-centered, it's other-centered (because of your ability to trust someone of greater  than yourself.) God's love extends loving-kindness without judging performance and without expecting anything in return (Galatians 6:7-10). It’s an act that doesn’t require an exchange (not manipulative, but unconditional). Without accepting the unconditional love of God, you will not develop the hope and joy of the Holy Spirit that inspires you to give it away to others.

• Look at the private and public changes that Saul of Tarsus went through once he acknowledged and learned about Christ @ https://www.gotquestions.org/Saul-chosen-vessel.html.

 

Saul transformed into the Apostle Paul and proved his transformation by practicing self-sacrificial, unconditional love to not just his fellow Jews but to the Gentiles too (Galatians 3:28, Romans 8:31-35, 10:12, Galatians 2:20). No matter in what situation he found himself, he remained content and satisfied because He was showing the Love of God despite the negative social ramifications (Romans 8:15-17, 1 Corinthians 7:23, 2 Corinthians 11:23-27, 1 Timothy 6:6, 2 Timothy 1:8-12). One can only imagine the feelings Paul might have felt, both publicly and privately, as he transitioned to an evangelical Christian - however he choose to focus on Christ instead of himself, and he willingly aligned his attitude and behavior towards Christ like behavior. In fact, the depth of his transformation was so deep, he became a "bondservant" to Christ; his love and respect for Christ led him to become a loving disciple despite public disapproval (Ephesians 6:5-6, 1 Timothy 6:1, Titus 2:9). Paul’s commitment to Christianity shined through in all he did once his perspective changed and he was transformed by Love (Luke 14:28, Philippians 2:1-9, 3:12-15, Acts 9:1-22).

• Paul showed his gratitude and commitment to God by loving others unconditionally (see Appendix N and Appendix 2P).

• Read more about how Christian discipleship reduces anxiety in the "Still Anxious" tab to prevent triggers that lead you back to the "old man" ways (Colossians 3:8-10).