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Understanding the Social Impact of Frustration

Discouragement and frustration are psychological triggers that steal your peace and often causes worry, restlessness, irritability, defensiveness and anxiety (expressed differently based on personality) which could stimulate the relapse of an unhealthy addiction in you. When engaged in conversation, if a person acts on negative feelings, without the use of self-restraint, it’s likely that each person will lose sight of the original goal of friendly dialogue. Being offended because your opinion is not affirmed by someone else is a typical urge, but when your feelings go expressed rather than tamed, your emotions intensify and subconsciously reorganizing your priorities,  turning the discussion into one where your focus shifts to the goal of self-preservation and/or self-enhancement. Being aware of your own feelings and those of others is crucial to redirecting them into speech and actions that lead to productive discussions for all involved. Choose to diffuse rather than prolong conflict by knowing yours and other peoples' personality style and typical "back up" behaviors. See Appendix 2I for details.

 

 

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When you find yourself being offended during a conversation, not only will the conversation escalate into a conflict, but it will likely leave bad feelings that can take root in the form of bitterness - which is like a cloud covering the sun - shading your reaction with the attitude of defensiveness. To avoid this outcome, when you are engaged in a friendly conversation that turns tense, consider things like; 

  • what extenuating circumstances might have compounded the problem,

  • the personality styles of all parties, including your own,

  • the potential threat level (consider this whether or not the threat is real, imagined, or the result of a hyper-sensitive ego), and 

  • whether a response from you would diffuse a potential argument or further escalate the disagreement.  (See decision making worksheet in the "Capture Your Vision" tab.) 

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If you determine that a response is required to move on in the conversation, try bringing up how you feel. Use an "I" statement and then change the subject,

  • "I feel like our conversation is getting confused and I don't mean to upset you. Anyway, ....? " Or -

  • I feel ____ (fill in the blank) but let’s re-focus so we can get back to the discussion. How ....?” Or -

  • “I see things a bit differently because I look at things from a Godly perspective, so let’s move on to another subject. What ...?”

Wait in silence for a response.

 

Do you express frustration because you allow your hurt feelings and the 

defense mechanisms they trigger in you to outshine your Christianity?

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Feeling threatened (real or self-conscious) re-routes your priorities from honoring God to defending yourself. The uncertainty you feel from unmet expectations triggers a more intense feeling that stems from insecurity - a real or imagined thought that aggravates a hyper-sensitive self-esteem/concept. Misunderstandings caused by expectations and judgment (opinion) can change the attitudes of those engaged in conversations. Before offering an opinion, tame yours by considering if the miscommunication is;

  • a signal to a secondary problem that skews personal perception- yours and/or theirs,

  • your own possible double-mindedness; are you honoring God as yourself and then your neighbor next? Or is

  • pride or selfishness interfering in peaceful problem-solving?

 

Most people feel offended when another person doesn’t agree with them. If this happens to you, instead of reacting to a comment with defensiveness, fight off the impulse by changing your thoughts. Consider the possible reasons why the conflict evoked uncomfortable feelings and ask for clarification so that the conversation stays on point. For example, instead of immediately reacting with a self-assured attitude, consider these questions:

  • Who misunderstood the message that was communicated; you or the other person??

  • Does the point of the conflict boil down to a competition as to who will win the tug of war over whose perspective to use as you continue the discussion?

    • Sometime a misunderstanding can occur simply because people have a general tendency to be seen as right in their opinion and may be misinterpreting your comment as a criticism. (Be thinking about who replaced the goal of understanding with the goal of winning or being seen as right or in control; and then use your understanding to diffuse the situation.)

  • Do you or the other person involved have underlying issues and/or assumptions that are clouding the conversation? Was a defense mechanism triggered that is protecting yours or your neighbor's self-image?  

    • It may or may not be you, but this allows you to consider the possibility that someone else may be misinterpreting your behavior and is offended by you because you may have unknowingly pulled a trigger.

    • For more exploration into your possible lingering frustration that projects, unknowingly in interpersonal relations (because of a psychological trigger), read an interesting academic paper by Di Giuseppe M, Perry JC, called The Hierarchy of Defense Mechanisms. ​

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By asking yourself these questions before responding, you can guide the direction of the remaining discussion

with more clarity, using a fresh perspective. What you do not want to happen is for your conversation to be hijacked by feelings caused by misinterpretations. Sometime defensiveness, yours or theirs, is triggered in the heat of the moment because of old habits. (Years of a conditioned response to triggers will challenge a new habit until it replaces the ease of the old one). For example, even though you don’t want to fight with your brother, and you see why he said what he did, you may still find yourself acting defensively because the conflict aroused in you a verbal or physical habit of reacting to past feelings of anger or hurt rather than by choosing an intentional response that achieves your present goal.

 

Whatever the underlying cause of the friction is, another strategy is to try to buy yourself time to regroup so you can bring your feelings under submission to the goal of the original conversation, not the new goal that snuck into your mind as a result of aggravated feelings (Proverbs 19:11, 25:28, Colossians 3:15). Try being silent and counting to 10 or 500 before reengaging with a response, or ask if you can talk about this at another time. Change your gaze and/or physically leave the room momentarily. Giving yourself time to process will put you in a better position to trade a resentful reaction for an intentional response, one that meets the goal of peacekeeping and maintains your character integrity.

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To best manage interpersonal conflict, you need to adjust your personality expression by intentionally changing your perspective, so you harness your emotions and direct them towards a new goal of peacekeeping (Boekaerts, M. (2002), 2 Corinthians 10:3, 4, 7). Think first about personality expression so you can better identify and understand the heightened reactions of yourself and others before responding to a shaded comment. Doing this shifts your attitude because it stimulates other-centered thoughts which can increase the chance of a de-escalation of the potential conflict so friendly communication can continue (Colossians 1:11). A shift in focus helps your mind let go of emotionally charged thoughts which may relieve the intensity of your feelings and keeps you grounded so you can respond using compassion, which deescalates the potential relationship friction. Let God work in you (Matthew 13:13, Ephesians 1:18-19). Practice the skill of resilience as you rely on your faith in Christ to shape your long-term thinking and empower you to act consistently with your values (Ephesians 6:10-18). The alternative to using your faith to make these shifts is to stay stuck in your human tendencies. 

       (Allowing the Spirit to Influence).​​​

Instead of taking comments personally, lift your head to God and pray for patience and self-control so you can reframe the discussion and respond appropriately. To do this takes an intentional shift of focus away from your feelings of discouragement and onto God, the healer of broken people (Psalm 3:3-4, 27:14, 347:18, the Serenity Prayer). Looking at your neighbor as a unique, imperfect person who is also, like you, a sinner, helps to depersonalize the conflict and stir up thoughts of compassion. This perspective makes it easier to change your thoughts and be able (as long as you are willing) to take actions that demonstrates love for your neighbor.

 

Where you place your focus is a choice and what you choose to focus on determines your experience. (Your present day reality shapes your tomorrows.) Choose to turn away from the temptation to judge the other person, but instead stay focused on controlling yourself to maintain unity (Ephesians 4:2-3, 4:29, Psalm 133:1, Romans 2:1-3, Matthew 7:1-5, Luke 6:37). When you are in the midst of conflict (2 Corinthians 10:17-18) and you decide to let the Holy Spirit tame your human instincts, you'll be reminded to act on truth, in love, even in the midst of your reaction to feelings of anger and insecurity (1 John 3:18, John 16:13, 16:33, Philippians 1:9-11, 2:12, 1 Corinthians 2:16, 2 Corinthians 3:4-6, James 3:3, Ephesians 5:2). This decision invites the Holy Spirit within you to empower your perseverance in resolving conflict through the fruit of long-suffering (Galatians 5:16, 5:22).

 

The work of a Christian is to recognize your human tendencies and make the intentional decision to do what pleases God (1 Corinthians 10:24, Philippians 2:3). Trade your human inclination to treat a disagreement like an attack. Instead of reacting in the fearful self-protective way, trade fear*, pride and anger for humility, compassion and joy (Nehemiah 8:10, Psalm 1:1-3, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Matthew 5:1-12, 16, 21). *A prideful reaction, exhibited as either overly aggressive or subtle behavior, is rooted in fear stemming from a disconnect between your values, priorities and the actions you choose to implement. Hunt, J., (2008) attributes this result to a lack of trust in God in your life (1 John 5:21, Habakkuk 2:4). 

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You can limit, but will never be free from, interpersonal conflict. Try to find friends in a smaller community where the individual people in the group shares your core beliefs. No matter where you choose to live after leaving a recovery environment, be armed with the willingness to adjust an angry focus so you don't let anyone push you off your path of walking within the boundaries of God's Holy love (Ephesians 4:26, 29-31, 5:2, Romans 14:13-19, 1 Thessalonians 4:2-5, 5:8, 1 John 3:11-12, John 16:33, Carnegie, D. (1988), Appendix 1H). A psycho-social balance embraces your God-informed boundaries as rules for right living, working, and socializing (1 Timothy 6:6-12, Philippians 4:11, 19, Appendix 2H).

 

Conflict resolution is a chance to prove your Christianity (Galatians 5:13). When faced with a disagreement, what will you choose to do?

 

  • Will you fight?

  • Will you take flight?

  • Will you give up the feeling to defend yourself?

  • Will you intentionally act consistently with Christian thinking?

 

As a Christian, God transforms you into a new being and, in the science of personality, that means that you can choose to incorporate His ways into your personality. You have the presence of God within you to make all things new, including YOU (Ephesians 2:14-16, read article at https://www.gotquestions.org/Christian-character.html).  

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